The Obedience Trap: Why the hyper focus on 'good manners' might be putting our children at risk

I recently had the privilege of hearing Emma Hakansson give the keynote address at the ISPCAN conference in Melbourne, and it is one of those talks that has stayed with me. She spoke about the relationship between autonomy and obedience in the way we raise and care for children. Autonomy is a person's ability to make their own choices about their body, feelings, and actions, and to have those choices respected, rather than having them decided or overridden by someone else. Emma's presentation spoke of how, when we make children obedient, we decrease their autonomy. And decreased autonomy heightens the risk of them being abused, both as children and later as adults.

For the significant majority of parents and carers, our instinct is to protect. We worry about our children being vulnerable to harm, to abuse, to bullying, to harassment, to online predators, the list goes on. But here is the uncomfortable truth Emma put in front of a room full of child protection professionals: the very parenting styles we use to keep children safe and socially acceptable are often the ones making them more vulnerable, not less.

We ask children to override their own instincts for the comfort of an adult. "Say hello to your uncle." "Give Grandma a hug goodbye." "Don't be rude." "Don't question the adults." Each of these seems small and harmless on its own. In fact, they are often seen as 'good parenting'. But we need to consider what our focus on good manners may be teaching. Are we teaching a child something much bigger: that their job is to manage how the adults around them feel, even when it costs them their own comfort or boundaries? It doesn't mean abandoning manners and being respectful or polite - it means teaching those, in a different way.

If we tell a child that Grandma will be upset if they do not hug her goodbye, we are teaching them they are responsible for that adult's emotional experience. We are asking them to be respectful and attuned to our feelings above their own. And then, somehow, we expect that in a moment of real danger, of real potential harm, that same child will know to flip the switch and say no. How they will suddenly understand THIS is the one time their own safety matters more than an adult's feelings, even though every other interaction has taught them the opposite?

That is the vulnerability loop Emma described. Increased obedience equals decreased autonomy, and decreased autonomy equals increased risk.

I would rather my children learn, early and often, that they are responsible for their own emotions, not for mine or anyone else's. I want them to feel safe saying no to me. I want them to question what I am asking of them, whether that is cleaning their room, doing their homework, or turning off YouTube. Not because I enjoy being challenged, but because every one of those small, low-stakes moments of querying the 'why' is practice. It is a child building the muscle they will need if an adult ever makes them feel unsafe, because that's when I want them to question that person's 'why'.

This is not about raising rude children or abandoning manners altogether. It is about being honest with ourselves about what obedience is actually teaching, and making sure that the habits we build in childhood serve our children's safety rather than quietly undermining it. Children can be taught to question and express their feelings or opinions in a way that still shows kindness, respect and 'manners'. The worry is what happens if we never teach them its ok to say no? Will they be harmed by the neighbour down the street who tells them they have to be still, shut up and not tell anyone of their abuse? Will they be harmed by the adult partner who uses coercive control and violence and tells them they have no right to say no? If we teach them its ok to say no now, in the small moments, then they'll be skilled, ready and more confident to say 'no' in the big moments.

Emma's talk has changed how I think about my professional practice, and it has changed how I parent.... she made me question myself and I am grateful for it.

Thank you, Emma.