Building Resilient Kids

Last week, a number of the Individual Placement Support (IPS) team attended the Resilient Kids Conference, hosted by Michelle Mitchell and Karen Young. It was a brilliant opportunity to hear and learn from four of the best researchers, authors and presenters in strengths-based, trauma-informed parenting.

The 4 Guest Speakers at The Resilient Kids Conference

Karen Young, author of “Hey Warrior” and “Hey Awesome” (and many others), is a psychologist who now consults with parents, schools, government bodies, and child and adolescent-focused organisations both at home in Australia and overseas.

The team reflected on how so many of Karen's one-liners were great takeaways for the day, such as "Big feelings are there to recruit you" highlighting they are a way of saying to the trusted adult, “Do you see me, do you hear me?" and “Can you handle me at my worst?”

Kate, our IPS Team Leader, shared, "We cannot underestimate the importance of helping children to feel heard and valued in the work we do. It can be tempting to focus on extinguishing the behaviour... especially in the heat of the moment, but as Karen points out, we often confuse quiet kids for calm kids and as we know, quiet kids do not always have calm brains. In fact, their brains may feel quite dysregulated and unsafe".

We also as a team reflected on how we loved that parenting (and caring for kids in general) needs the 'Caretaker' and the 'Leader'... kids need empathy and nurturing, with boundaries so they feel safe. Tiegan, another one of our team, shared her reflections. " Before they can listen or take in any new information, children first need to feel safe. Children can’t come back to calm on their own.

Every time a child becomes distressed, they are looking to the adult in the room to help bring them back to calm and show them how to regulate. They need to crawl before they can walk, and we need to remind ourselves that whatever state our nervous system is in, theirs will follow. If we meet their big feelings with anger or frustration, their reaction will escalate (fight) or they’ll shut down (flight).

Children are wired to seek closeness and connection, and they see themselves the way we see them. That’s why it’s so important to meet them with warmth, kindness, and patience." 

Michelle Mitchell, speaker, author and parenting expert, is often referred to as “the teenage expert” by the media and sought after by schools and community groups to share her wisdom. Her stories about working in flexi schools and schools with children and young people on remand really spoke with the team about the power of connection.

We loved her take on resilience and the visual of the circles with the Comfort Zone (green), Stretch Zone (yellow) and Panic Zone (red). She spoke passionately about resilience as a dynamic, ever-changing quality rather than a static either to have or you don’t have... And with this in mind, we need to meet kids where they are.

Kate shared, "I love the idea of helping kids identify and massage their stretch zone whilst ensuring they have plenty of time in the comfort zone from which to feel safe to do this. The concept of the red Panic zone is really helpful too.. a simple reminder not to push too far!"

Kate's final reflection was of Michelle's simple reminder: “If you’re dealing with a prickly teenager, I’ve got one word for you… WARMTH!” Possibly just a good reminder for some of us, on a personal note, as many of the team navigate the “prickles” of parenting teens and tweens ourselves! The power of connection to meet teens where they’re at.

One of the Youth Workers on the team shared, "Michelle really emphasised how powerful just one caring adult can be in a child’s life. It’s not the tough times we remember most, but the people who stood by us through them. I loved her analogy of a personal trainer, encouraging and pushing kids to believe in themselves, and not letting them give up when things start to feel uncomfortable. Sometimes we have to get down and dirty with them, so they know they’re not alone and that we really are in it with them".

Steve Biddulph joined online from his home in Tasmania. Steve is also a well-known Australian author, activist and psychologist, who has written numerous influential best-selling books, and lectures worldwide on parenting.

Steve focused his session on anxiety, emphasising how the key to managing anxiety is to turn it into something that is happening 'in' you rather than something that you 'are'. He emphasised that it serves a purpose and there's value in welcoming it - putting words to it, and helping it move through you, so it can soften and dissipate. 

Another one of the team reflected, "Steve's tone and presence were so calming, I could’ve listened to him all day. He reinforced just how common anxiety is in the world today and how a lot of what we thought we knew about raising children has changed. He spoke about the two sides of the brain, communication and intuition and how both are important in protecting us. He also talked about being comfortable in our own skin and the power of words. Our body is always sending us messages, we just need to name the feeling and listen to it".

Matt Runnalls was the final speaker of the day, and as an international speaker, advocate, author, and dedicated mental health advocate with lived experience, his mission to foster awareness, acceptance, and education for kids and those with mental illness was inspiring. We all felt it was such a privilege to hear Matt’s lived experience and personal insights about growing up with neurodiversity.

Tiegan, one of our team, believes Matt "reinforced how vital love and connection are in the lives of young people. He reminded me of the importance of making sure those around me feel heard and validated, and of continuing to create space for growth and modelling positive behaviours. He also showed how powerful our words are and the impact of meaningful conversations. Finally, be careful with labels as they can empower or break people!"

What an inspiring and energising day! We took away so many messages from the four incredible speakers, including our important role of focusing on the careful balance of 'caretaking plus leadership', aka 'boundaries but with warmth and love'. Consistently turning up, with warmth, patience and a calm presence, not just for the children we work for but for the families they are part of... ultimately, all of us need to feel safe to be comfortable to learn, grow and thrive.